Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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