theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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