spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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