I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Randomize
