Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
