I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
