So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
