Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
