my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
