Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
