go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
