I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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