We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
