she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
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How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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