Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
