she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
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I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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