My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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