I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
