did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
