i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
