meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
