She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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