JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
