This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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