Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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