He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
