I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
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I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
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I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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