Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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