Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
