like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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