i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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