Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
