you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
