I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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