alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
this must be what syphilis tastes like
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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