maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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