Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
