yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
