I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
