Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
