I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
