You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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