Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
