dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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