when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
