you didnt know i had herpes?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
