I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
