I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
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i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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