At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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