cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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