Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
