Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
