Already got asked if we're dating
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
