When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
