I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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