it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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