Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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